I wrote the first piece a couple of years ago and still find it apropo and funny as hell. It's mostly a true account. It is a little long but there is some shorter stuff following. Enjoy!!
The Christian Shroud Richard Hodge
You were twelve when you began your quest. What exactly it was you were searching for you weren’t sure, but you were absolutely convinced that whatever it was, it was out there in the world. It was a search for truth, or so you thought, and your goal was enlightenment, or so you believed. Knowledge, wisdom, understanding, faith, hope and love, were terms that seemed to fit into your quest, but you weren’t sure where.
Raised to believe in God in the Christian tradition, it was their God and Christ and Holy Ghost that you sought. If God could be found you were sure that it would be within Christendom’s bounds. And so you searched with limitless determination and intensifying fervor.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school, she usually slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God almighty!" Shouted Mary The teacher said, "very good," Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our lord and savior," but, Mary didn't stir. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her. “Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, the teacher replied, "very good," and Mary went back to sleep. The teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed Mary with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The teacher fainted.
It all began with some sage words from your mother. You had come home from church with a question as to who was right, the bible or the man who taught it. Your mother’s response, “Christianity is very simple, but men make it difficult,” became the guiding principle of your quest. It was much later in your journey that you learned that according to the bible, “God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.” However, it was your mother’s simple statement that solidified that truth in your heart.
At the time, you were attending a low Anglican church. This church observed all of the dogma and doctrine from its origin in the Church of England, but with less ceremony and ritual. The Apostle’s creed, the stations-of-the-cross, and the reverence of Mary the mother of God were mystifying, and just fascinating enough to hold your wonder. The contradiction of taking teachings without accepting the whole tradition, though, did not sit well with you. Neither did the apparent discrepancies between the doctrine that was taught and its proclaimed source. “Why does the church teach that sins have to be confessed to a man, when you told me that’s not in the bible?” you asked your Sunday school teacher. The answer, disconcerting to you even at the age of twelve, “because that is what is held in the tradition of the church.”
A Baptist minister, a Roman Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing how each carried out the bible verse “give unto God that which is God’s.” The minister did it this way, “I draw a circle on the floor, toss the collection money in the air, all that lands inside the circle is God’s and the remainder is mine.” “I do something similar,” piped the priest, “Only everything that stays in the circle is mine and God gets the rest.” The rabbi proclaimed, “I have a better system. Forget the circle. I throw the money in the air. What God wants, he keeps, and the rest is mine.”
It was 1972 out on the west coast, and churches were experimenting with new ways to draw young people into the fold. A Roman Catholic church about four blocks from the Anglican church started holding noon masses with rock and roll music. It had a cross on the roof, pews and a crucifix in the sanctuary, a choir loft and stained glass windows, all familiar items, and somewhat comforting. Roman Catholicism was the parent that spawned the Church of England and the Anglican and Episcopalian denominations. Maybe here, at the source, you surmised, would be the truth you were seeking. Besides, mass at noon meant sleeping in on Sundays, and rock and roll music is a lot cooler than those stuffy hymns at the Anglican church.
You enjoyed the music, but little else. The people in the congregation that you associated with, and especially those in the youth group, were living double lives. All prim and proper in church, they raised hell the other six days of the week. Nice people, for the most part, and they sure could party, but the duality got wearing, and you decided to take a break from church altogether.
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they discovered a cave with the following symbols carved on the wall: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. Deciding this was a unique find; they chopped out the piece of stone and took it to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of conferences, a meeting was held to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. The next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The third drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had tools to work with. The fish means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says........... 'Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on That Woman!!'
The hunger, however refused to go away, and so you looked for somewhere to get fed. A schoolmate suggested his church, a high Anglican affair steeped in tradition. Nine one ton bells in the belfry, an original Raphael painting in one chapel, a solid marble baptistery, a twenty foot tall tapestry of Mary with threads of pure silver and gold among its beautiful colors, all leant to an atmosphere of reverential awe in the sanctuary. The effect on you was at once intimidating and a source of wonder. The ritual of the mass, from the spreading of the incense and the chanting of the initial procession, to the genuflecting and responsive mantras, to the use of real wine during communion, served to deepen your amazement and raise your hopes of finding your truth.
The youth group leader, a young priest who spent his formative years in the wilds of the 60s in Haight-Ashbury, regaled you all with tales of how God worked in his life. Unfortunately Father Retter had few answers for you as to how to recognize God working in your life. Though not openly condoning drug use, he was not particularly fervent in his castigation of it either. Sure that Father Retter recognized that you and your group often attended church while under-the-influence, you were also sure that he was just glad to have you in church. Your group of friends, after all, made up the only youth group that graced the hallowed halls of that cathedral.
So this young priest is about to give his first public sermon. Nerves frazzled, he goes to the bishop for advice. “Calm down my son,” he said, “just make sure that you do communion before you preach.” He went on, “when preparing the communion wine, add a little vodka to the cup that you will drink from. Not too much though, because you will have to drink all of the remainder.” The young priest followed the bishop’s instructions and, after communion, rose up to preach. The sermon was impassioned and the congregation responded accordingly. The priest was exceedingly pleased with himself and approached the bishop after the service to ask how he had enjoyed the sermon. The bishop responded, “While the effort and enthusiasm were wonderful, there were a few errors that I must correct.” After clearing his throat he continued: “First of all son, we do not refer to the holy trinity as ‘Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook’. The cross is not ‘the big T’. Jesus and his disciples are not ‘JC and the boys’. There is a taffy pulling contest at St Peter’s next week, not a ‘peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s’. And finally, dear boy, we prefer to refer to the mother of God as the Virgin Mary, and definitely not as ‘Mary with a cherry’.”
Ah the beauty of the west coast in the 70s. The hippy generation was still very much entrenched, the open attitudes toward sex and drugs predominated, and Go Ask Alice was still taught in high school English classes. You were first introduced to hashish at the age of eleven and quickly discarded cigarettes as a waste of time. “If I am going to smoke,” you told your friends, “I’m damned sure going to get something out of it.” Trying to fit the near religious experience of getting stoned with the condemnation of drugs in religious circles, you rationalized, “if it is natural it must be of God and is therefore put on earth for man to use.” This fit conveniently with the psilocybin mushrooms that sprouted on the lawns in your neighborhood every spring, and the ease of growing marijuana with the latest all natural—therefore godly--hydroponics techniques.
“God creates and man rearranges.” Margaret Hodge
As you traveled across the country for the next few years, alcohol, drugs and churches—it didn’t matter what kind—were a constant part of your life and the closest that you came to God was stoned out of your gourd, alone, atop a mountain in Newfoundland, bathed in the sunlight filtering through the trees, embraced by a soft breeze, with the sights and sounds of the forest caressing your senses, and you felt really alive cause…suddenly you had to piss, big time! Ah the joy and relief of that simple, natural act of release.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A binge alcoholic, you quit drinking at age 21, scared because the blackouts increased in frequency and length. The final straw was the night that you finally went home with the girl you had been pursuing for about six months on what would be her last night in town. The necking at the party is vivid, the clutching and grabbing on the ride to her place seared in your mind, the foreplay that began at her door and continued into the bedroom still clear in your memories, and then…you woke up across town in your own bed the next afternoon. Julia and her family moved out of town that morning while you slept, never to be seen by you again. As to what actually happened that night….
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Cuban are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Cuban points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Cuban."
You tried a Baptist church for a while, but grape juice and Wonder bread, just did not seem to fit with the idea of holy communion, the teachings were pretty generic, and you didn’t find yourself any closer to your truth.
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense and a rather loud meeting ensued. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
At the age of twenty four you took a class on principles of biblical research. Mostly this included principles of language and understanding the eastern culture in which the stories of the bible are set. The most impressive thing about the class was the PhD’s teaching that, “you don’t believe because I or any man says it, you believe because you take it and study it and make it your own.” Inspired, you truly began to re-search the bible, including going to the old extant texts as much as possible. You also looked at eastern culture to put the scriptures in context. Now things started to fit. Now the religious facades began to fall away and reveal truth. Now your search had found a course.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Jesus Christ is not God; the dead are not alive, the euphemism used is a sleep that will end with Christ’s return; only three creations in Genesis chapter 1; the world became without form and void but was not created that way; animals posses the same soul life as humans; God’s image is spirit; one manifestation with nine parts given to all for profit; Jesus born September 11, 3BC; his ministry was about eight months, not three years; He was crucified on a tree with no cross piece; Jesus never touched the cross until he was nailed to it; five crosses on Calvary not three; Jesus died about three o’clock on a Wednesday and got up on a Saturday after 72 hours in the grave; Judas was forgiven by Jesus and was present at the ascension…so much becomes clear, so much logically fits, once the shroud of institutionalized religion is stripped away.
1Th 5:21Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
With freedom from the stultifying constraints of controlled religion, you found yourself able to investigate outside the confines of denominational Christianity. After hosting a Siberian Shaman in your home, investigating the teachings of the Koran, perusing the Bhagavad-Gita and the Book of Mormon, looking at the Zoroastrians and the Midianites, extended discourse regarding Native American beliefs and Christianized Judaism, interaction with representatives of numerous Christian denominations, and in depth study of the bible, you are approaching your truth.
Pr 4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.
Wisdom is the correct application of knowledge. Understanding only blossoms after wisdom is attained. Love is the convictions that you hold in your heart. Faith, or believing, is the action that you take on those convictions. And hope is the promise of a brighter tomorrow because of the love and believing that you put into today. God can be found everywhere and missed anywhere. Echoes of your mother’s words ring in your ears, His way is simple though not always easy.
The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for
him at the Pearly Gates."It's no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each
person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. "I'm a simple
carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike
anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands
and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world
people tell his story." By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes,
and he embraces the old man. "Father," he cries out, "It's been so long!" The old man squints, stares
for a moment, and says, "Pinocchio?"
Pr 17:22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine
An Illinois man left the snow filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his motel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a total faint. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE!!
If you liked that, you might like these:
Traveling
Traveling through the distant nearness
Through a wall of sound
I perceived a sudden clearness
Spite the panic all around
Riding the rails, chasing their tails, blind leading the blind
‘Twas a moment of introspection
‘Twas in the right direction
I am alive!!
I breathe, I touch, I think, I feel, I discern
Yet so limited
In knowledge, wisdom, and most of all comprehension
Experience is my teacher
And the words of wiser men
Or are they simply men who’ve gone before
With the same questions
And lack of understanding
Mistaking their experiences
For all encompassing truth
The road to enlightenment, the way, the truth, the gospel
As I wend my way down the path of life
My pace slows as the years go by
My vision grows more distinct
What was once a blur is clarified
There’s more to see with an open mind
Unencumbered with religion, free to roam and glean from all sources
Liberty allows me to seek my God
To find my God
To experience my God
To share my God
Demi-Gods
Hey now to all you demi-gods sitting in your ivory towers and talking smack ‘bout being on the fast track. Not caring who you step on on your way to the top, or how far they drop, long as you get to your place. Back stabbin’ and money grabbin’ is your way of life. Fancy clothes and fancy cars, decked out like movie stars, think you’re special, think you’re good, think you’re better than us.
Makin’ your deals at others expense, no stranger to violence--not always physical. You have your agenda, you’ve built your rationale, the means don’t matter, just the ends. Craving worship, you call it respect, but your loyalties are fickle, based on “what can I get?” Money’s your god, and the power it brings, but you never have enough people or things. They’re the same to you, people and things—objects to be used; abused; then cast aside.
Inhabiting the streets, and the courtrooms, and the boardrooms, and the pulpits, and the capitols; you weave your webs, traps for the innocent, or the gullible. Taking advantage is the way you live, robbing others of their joy in life.
You’re no better when all’s said and done, we’re cut from the same cloth, every one. So get off your high horse and take a real look at life, and notice all the misery and strife--caused by you. Stop steppin’ on people, help them up, we all deserve to taste the good.
So who’m I talkin’ to, who’s this about: If the shoe fits…….well, you know the rest.
If it Weren’t for People the World Would be Perfect
If it weren’t for people the world would be perfect
What other species pollutes the air they breathe, the water they drink, and the land they live on
Or poisons themselves with chemicals and calls it enjoyment
Or kills other creatures for sport
Or calls a place paradise, then changes it to something else
Or hoards for simple greed
Or hates and discriminates for no good reason
Or drives other species to extinction in the name of progress
But if it weren’t for people,
Who would enjoy the beauty of a sunset, or the majesty of a mountain
Or praise the creation or the Creator
The ?
So, do you remember Mr. Spock and the Vulcan mind-meld?
We always called it the mind fuck.
Just thinking about fucked up minds melded to the thoughts and ideas of others
How did football get to be soccer in North America?
Consider political correctness and massive mind control
Who picked a ray not native to our area as the symbol for our baseball team?
Mull over religious thinking and the appropriation of freedom
Where are the 3 days and 3 nights in the grave between Good Friday and Easter Sunday?
Ponder our mainstreamed, career-oriented system called higher education
What is the real meaning of a degree, BS=bullshit; MS=more of the same; PhD=piled higher and deeper?
Contemplate the condensing of human habitations into structures akin to rat warrens
Do social skills increase with proximity, do we know each other better?
Reflect on the mercenary hue that stains the fabric of our society.
Does he who has the most toys when he dies really win?
Life is Amazing!
The floating continuum of lost and idle thoughts
That distract from the search for truth
The draining of mental power and independent ideas
That turns individuals into masses
The double-tongued political rhetoric
That accustoms us to deception and outright lies
The mercenary media circus
That presents unattainable goals, and convinces of unnecessary needs
The politicized, institutionalized religion
That fills their coffers but not our souls
The permanent scarring of the natural world
Raped in the name of progress
And yet…………
Life is amazing!
Your truth can be found if only you will seek
Take hold of your individuality
Turn off the brain drain and think for yourself,
Expand your horizons and feed your intellect
Politics is a compound word
Poly means many and Ticks are blood sucking creatures
Be not deceived
Money may make the world go around but the love of it is the root of all evil
Money is a thing, things are to be used, people are to be loved
Set your own goals, define your own needs, be happy
I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his
seed begging bread. (Ps 37:25)
Follow your heart and fill your soul with good things
If a place is a paradise, how is changing it, progress?
The world is a beautiful place, enjoy its richness
Attitude determines outcome, what you put into something is what you get out of it
Clichés yes, but even clichés sprouted from a germ of truth.