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Very good insight at TAPS site.
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/grief.html?pageNum=4 Good Site regarding Grief.
Summary
Grief is a healthy and natural reaction to a major loss, often characterized by extreme mental anguish. Though grief is important and leads to emotional healing, it can be a prolonged and intensely painful experience,and can result in significant emotional distress. The grief reaction may last for months or years.People who are grieving may never stop missing a deceased person or regretting a loss, but the painwill eventually lessen. Any major loss can cause a grief reaction, especially the death of a loved one. Miscarriage and stillbirth, though not often recognized as major losses, cancause grief for the parents. A major lifestyle change,such as divorce, loss of a home, loss of a job, or loss of the ability to pursue a career (e.g., a physical injuryending an athletic career), may also result in grief. Grieving is generally easy to recognize, and symptoms of grief are both physical and emotional. Grieving peopleare often sad and may sigh, sob, cry out or yearn for what was lost. Shock, disbelief and denial are common,especially immediately following the discovery of the loss.People who are grieving may feel angry or guilty. They may tire easily or feel as though they are always tired.Disturbances in appetite and sleep often occur. Most people who are grieving do not seek or require professional help. When help is needed, an evaluation by a physician or a mental health professional may be used to rule out other conditions. Although grief may progress into major depression in some cases, it should not be confused with this serious mood disorder. It is not healthy to avoid grief or to deny a major loss for a long period of time. Avoidance of grief may lead to serious physical or emotional problems later in life. The most important aspect for grieving people is learning to cope with the loss. Individuals who are grieving need to speak with and explain their feelings to others. Most physical complications of grief can be eased by eating properly, exercising and getting plenty of rest. When professional help is sought, interpersonal therapy (IPT) is among the most commonly used forms of psychotherapy to help people cope with grief. Group therapy can also be helpful. Original topic: Does anyone have knowledge or practical or experiential input on this topic? Healthy/unhealthy ways to handle it? In what timeframe did you experience acceptance? How about any good references or sources for information on grief ? |
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Death of someone precious is one of the most difficult issues I've ever dealt with - by FAR more difficult than anything associated with other loss or TWI. I've been committed to dealing with it rather than sidestepping it because I want nothing bitter left in me. No leftovers. I'm reading "Recovering from the Losses in Life" by H. Norman Wright which has proven to be good help.
Because it's painful for people & almost taboo societally...there's very little genuine knowledge & willingness re; dealing with death among people but those who have it and share it are invaluable.
I've had opportunities to help others with new losses since...there's nothing anyone can do to take it away but being present, caring & listening helps. The bereaved often need to talk about the person who's been lost and to sort things out over and over, so need a patient listener. The people who just asked how I was or who said or wrote "love you" or who hugged at the right time or who kept me in good company were healing...those who shared their own experience as you did made a huge impact so I didn't feel I was the only one who ever felt so bad. It was sure a perfect time for me to hook back up with old friends and cronies. God knew all and made it as easy for me as possible. Thank you Paul. You are a man among men and have my respect.
Spring is more welcomed this year than any other. In April I go to NJ for my 30th HS reunion. By then it will be a great time to travel a little again. I'm determined to find some awesome dress and slink about in fun & style :)
Loss and death are still taboo in our society but something significant almost everyone will experience.
Most people don't know what to do to help. Since I now do get it & very clearly, I hope to remember to be present for others in giving them space to talk about the person they lost, if they want.
From all I've learned and read, it is in the normal range of human experience that a loss of someone who was part of the fabric of one's life can take significant time to heal.
I'm reading "Recovering from the Losses of Life" by H. Norman Wright; looks very promising.
About the death of friends and loved ones:I had a brother pass away suddenly about 13 years ago - he was 36, and then my father passed away 5 years ago after a long illness. Interesting the difference between the two situations- my younger brother passing was kind of a nut shot, but I was able to remember that he was doing as he had always wanted and was happier than he had ever been and I thought, what more could I ever want than to have all I had desired and worked towards occuring up to the end? Interesting that about 3 months after he died I was called on to teach a fellowship in NOV for and about thanksgiving. I was still reeling from the loss, and I was decidely unthankful about things at that moment, but I had people that needed to hear about thankfulness and I had to find what I was thankful about. It was a challenge, but I found that I was pretty well healed by going through that. When my father died, he had been sick for quite a few years and his passing was somewhat of a relief that all that pain and mental inablility was finally over and that he could be at rest, no longer fighting. I don't know if it was spending the time watching my father dying slowly and by degrees versus the sudden disappearance of my brother that made the difference between the two, but I am thankful for both their lives and remember them fondly. but they have moved out of my life and are firmly embedded into my fond memories. I guess that this moved into a kind of rambling retrospective, but that's where I drifted. The freshest hurt goes when the shock is over, and then you can remember the fun times more than anything else. Some of my memories of my father are rather peculiar conversations toward the very end or helping him up to use the restroom and him getting lost between the one room and the other (right next door). Sounds very bizarre to treasure as a memory of someone, but we had fun about it, I was able to help him and we got close because of it and it really is funny as hell now. Kind of like the bond you build when you potty train a kid. Holding hands while they are trying to go ( not the most 'romantic' of scenarios, but you build a trust and dependency on eachother--yes, out of poop)!! So anyway, focusing on the fun memories, not on the loss and truly enjoying all the great times bring the healing. At least that worked for me.
P
When my dad died, I handled the memorial service. He died of asbestos carcenoma. (probably misspelled, but you get the idea). He was in his late 60's. But the illness was long and the end was inevitable. He donated his body to a science department at a college. This eliminated the costs associated with dying. The ambulance picked him up and that was all. Fortunately, most of our family was there. The next day, we arranged for the memorial service. I was absolutely NOT going to hand over such an intimate time to some stranger to tell my mom and sisters that 'God needed another rose pedal' or 'he was in a better place'. I allowed each of my sisters to say something at the service and we were united in helping my mom deal with her grief.
What I learned from that was giving. Giving is an odd cure for a lot of ailments and sins. According to a dictionary I looked at years ago, to forgive meant to 'Give in spite of'.
As I studied 'forgiveness' I realized that giving was where the healing took place.
When the service was over, it was much easier to move forward. I found my own way of grieving in that way. It may not be the answer to your question, since I don't know all the particulars in your situation, but it may be the best direction to go at the start.
I'm sorry for your loss.
P.S. At the service, I read I Thess 4:13-18 aloud. It was like rubbing it back in the Adversaries face.
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