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Seems fitting on 56th birthday to update from three years ago. From reading through what I wrote then, I have changed some. Or my perspective has.
The Corps was a part of my life as was the Way. So it is part of the makeup of who I am. But for the life of me I have no desire to go back. They were far from the best days of my life. Usually time softens our memories and we forgot the hard parts. Not so for me and the Way. I am very thankful for many things I learned and some of the people I met and still know and love, especially my wife! And that is the good I hold to.
But the memories of the mind games, the unchecked egos, the hate hiding behind spirituality are still too vivid to lead to nostalgia.I remember too well the "God told me to tell you" confrontations. The blind faith in a person. The unwillingness to question. The narrowness of specific theology founded not in learning and research but it the opinion of one taken unacknowledged from others. The convoluted rationalizations that allowed for lives and families to be ripped apart and good people, Godly people, to be run over when they became a threat to the power grab of another.
I hold no nostalgia for those 16 years of my life. Rather, I am ashamed. Ashamed that we could only love those who thought that as we did. Remorseful over accepting that getting my thoughts in order to "right believing" was more important than living right and serving others.
God is too big, the universe too large, and our heads too small to contain Him. To think that we had God worked out into a formula to explain all of life was either extreme ignorance or unbridled hubris. I still haven't decided which.
I have no bitterness. I have no grudges or anger against anyone. But I have great sadness. I have disappointment. I am disappointed in myself that I lacked the courage to speak out against intolerance, bigotry, injustice, and blind obedience. I am sad that I hurt so many in the process of trying to justify my own beliefs.
So while I enjoy hearing the wonderful things God is doing with folks and for folks, I have no desire to go back to what was. While I miss fellowshipping with others and the joyful sharing of seeing God at work, of seeing lives changed by His love, and of sharing that joy with others, I am still working to live apart from the pain of those 16 years. The pain I inflicted on others in God's name and the deep and unhealed wounds still remaining in my own heart.
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I hope Peter didn't go. I just caught up belatedly with this blog thread and appreciated his heartfelt post very much. I understood (I think) his purpose, or need to communicate his perspective on time spent in The Way. Sorry to bring this thread back around to that, John, but wanted to express my support. You wrote:
"You make it sound as if this site is a celebration of the nostalgia of TWI and the Way Corps while being in denial from all else that occurred as part of our experience. I can understand how you may interpret things that way. But trust me...that is not the case."
To some of us who see The Way as a destructive force in our lives, or at the very least a poor choice, this site does seem to be overbalanced toward celebrating not only good friendships and good people, which I celebrate as well, but also a culture and a doctrine that we see as oppressive and abusive. I try not to go there, and Peter probably tried as well, but once in awhile I feel I should throw in a little reality check.
I'm glad you could stand up for your life choices and independence, John, but it was not so simple for some of us, obviously. I was in the way for over 30 years, in the thick of HQ, Way Corps and Limb responsibility. The culture of the organization guided my life and had me believing that I was absolutely doing God's Will and to walk away meant leaving God's protection, breaking my commitment to him, and, probably becoming possessed. Great options. I know no one made me take the actions I did, but there were controlling tactics that should not be dismissed. Only when I started to question the doctrine could I leave and even then it was traumatic. I have regrets like Peter, not only about what I did to others, but what I missed out on for myself.
I am here not to confront those things but to connect with people I've known over the years. So I don't plan to post anything more along this line. I just wanted to express my empathy with Peter and maybe contribute a cautionary note regarding organizations like The Way.
Love you, Peter. And you, too, John. I'm bowing out and will not engage in an argument about this. I'm well aware that many feel differently. I just think it's another perspective that is genuine and deserves a quiet voice now and then, but not a soapbox. We've all been through a lot, no doubt. Have fun in Nashville!
Sure but only if you bring your wife Shannon, my Corps sister. Then I know for sure we will have a lot of laughter. Plus she will keep you from gettin too wild on Music Row where all them bars are.
God bless us, God bless us everyone!!!....and a good time will be had by everyone.
Wow- did this just segue back to Peter's original topic? Hmmm.
I try.....really I do. But I also fuxxx up on a regular basis.
People are complex beings. Me included.
Vickie, I wish I was on Music Row right now having a few cold ones this fine Easter Sunday. I will start thinking this through with Mr. Bailey soon and see what trouble we can come up with. We got time. I just don't feel like it right now.
Peter, you're a sweetie. I remember you gently explaining to me, years ago, why you charged people at HQ for the wedding cakes you made for them. You felt badly about not donating everything, including your time. Your heart for the brides was evident, yet you also wanted to hold the line for your own life and finances. These days, you appear to be going through many of the same things that we all are, and that we have all struggled with through these years of transition and rebuilding, working through huge changes in our lives. Such a process is admittedly stressful. That said, it sounds to me as though your heart and your head are both in the right places.
And John, you had me at "beer" and "party." Please, please time this reunion so that it's not: a) during the school year, or b) in the first few weeks of June. Does Bailey have a karaoke machine? That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. If you could decide on a date pretty soon, I could get in my dibs before my husband schedules a conference; only one of us can be gone at a time, unless you want the joy and blessing of my children in attendance, which would mean less of both the words in quotes at the beginning of this paragraph.
Happy Easter, beloveds!
No prob Peter. You are not being censured or singled out...the whole site is. You have crossed no lines that bother me or I might have asked you to close this discussion or delete it. No need to depart due to those circumstances. I and others see your heart in the matter.
But I think you know what a mess we would have if there were no limits on discussions of the things I mention above regarding some of what happened in some of our lives. Interestingly, the same holds true for heated political discussions. I would rather censure all of it than deal with its complexities and handle the inevitable fighting and divisions that always ensue. As I have said before there are already several sites dedicated to these discussions. I do not wish to form another one here. That's all. Too much work! I would be leaving right behind you.
Peter I encourage you not to leave but rather to change your settings to receive no notifications regarding this site and you can make your profile one that is read only. Ning has improved their privacy settings over the past year. Leaving your profile here does not indicate an admission of your allegiances one way or another. You can even indicate such in your profile as long as it does not name names negatively or maliciously. It is simply a way of people still being able to see you and remember your life. I, for one, wish you would stay by way of leaving your info here. Think about it for a while.
That being said, I completely understand how you feel and support your decisions either way. No offense taken. And by the way you or anyone else can call me anytime if you want to discuss anything including some of what we have talked regarding our experiences. My number is area code 8 one three, four zero 4, nine 7 nine 5. Thanks for your sharing.
Rhys - Thank you. I am thankful.
John - It's your site and you get to set the parameters. Thanks for all the work put into setting up and maintaining the site. I regret if my words sound bitter. I have moved passed that point long ago. I have not moved past the regret. I think healing can come from speaking truthfully and openly.
As censure will not help me at this point, and since I have crossed your line I thank you for having this site and now will gracefully depart.
Jerry - Thank you. That post of yours brought much healing. I pray you are all well. Perhaps you are right. It is about self forgiveness. And I know I have not achieved that.
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