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Seems fitting on 56th birthday to update from three years ago. From reading through what I wrote then, I have changed some. Or my perspective has.
The Corps was a part of my life as was the Way. So it is part of the makeup of who I am. But for the life of me I have no desire to go back. They were far from the best days of my life. Usually time softens our memories and we forgot the hard parts. Not so for me and the Way. I am very thankful for many things I learned and some of the people I met and still know and love, especially my wife! And that is the good I hold to.
But the memories of the mind games, the unchecked egos, the hate hiding behind spirituality are still too vivid to lead to nostalgia.I remember too well the "God told me to tell you" confrontations. The blind faith in a person. The unwillingness to question. The narrowness of specific theology founded not in learning and research but it the opinion of one taken unacknowledged from others. The convoluted rationalizations that allowed for lives and families to be ripped apart and good people, Godly people, to be run over when they became a threat to the power grab of another.
I hold no nostalgia for those 16 years of my life. Rather, I am ashamed. Ashamed that we could only love those who thought that as we did. Remorseful over accepting that getting my thoughts in order to "right believing" was more important than living right and serving others.
God is too big, the universe too large, and our heads too small to contain Him. To think that we had God worked out into a formula to explain all of life was either extreme ignorance or unbridled hubris. I still haven't decided which.
I have no bitterness. I have no grudges or anger against anyone. But I have great sadness. I have disappointment. I am disappointed in myself that I lacked the courage to speak out against intolerance, bigotry, injustice, and blind obedience. I am sad that I hurt so many in the process of trying to justify my own beliefs.
So while I enjoy hearing the wonderful things God is doing with folks and for folks, I have no desire to go back to what was. While I miss fellowshipping with others and the joyful sharing of seeing God at work, of seeing lives changed by His love, and of sharing that joy with others, I am still working to live apart from the pain of those 16 years. The pain I inflicted on others in God's name and the deep and unhealed wounds still remaining in my own heart.
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Comments
Peter,
God bless you.
I agree with Kevin and Shannon's assessment of you. Even more so, I agree with our Father's. Your concern reminds me of what Paul had to live with, having pulled believers out of bed and murdering them. Jesus Christ dealt with him with great love, and he could function in the body, receiving the greatest revelation ever given. He forgave himself and moved on. He found out what fighting the good fight was all about, facing the Devil on the other side of the line.
I was blessed to work with you and always appreciated your heart for God's people. I believe it still exists.
Don't forget the Hope, Brother.
Happy belated Birthday. One glorious Return!
Jerry
"It still kills me to have spent many years at HQ"
Peter, I can understand how you feel. But dang it you shouldn't have spent so many years there. You should have just left. I am sorry you didn't. I am sure it is easier said than to have done it.
Some who invested too much full time of their lives (or their whole lives) sometimes seem to have a deeper severity of bitterness than others. I know of a guy who told me he lost a $million because of going "back in residence". You see, he had to sell his prosperous business and valuable home, cash in and go back in res in order to maintain his status. He lasted one year. I was faced with a similar decision and said no thanks. We know of another couple who had a beautiful pool home in Orlando in the early 90's which they paid very little for. She had a career going at Chrysler and he had his own thriving business. They were on their way to great success. In order to comply with the "current truth" they liquidated it all and moved away to become Limb Coors on a meager salary. Last I heard they were struggling and had to even use some of their retirement money. In nearby Tampa we had 5 homes (rentals props) at the time and a thriving business. I was confronted several times and asked what I was going to do about my "debt" and to take on other assignments. I politely said I would take care of my own affairs and left it at that. It turns out I was right and my confronters were dead wrong. I have the fruits, they have the bitternesses and regrets. Of course it wasnt long before I was asked to leave.
I participated rigorously in speaking up online in certain popular sites for years against the injusitices and wrong practices that were prevalent at the time. Some of us believe we had a major part in affecting certain changes that occurred in the years following. I for one am through with that phase and have decided on a different approach here. Things have changed. So has the Internet. Everything is out there. Both good and bad.
Peter, there are thousands of similar stories in all sorts of religious groups. My gosh! We are near a major Scientology Headquarters here in Clearwater. You should read the stories of some ex-members. Articles are in the paper a lot due to their large presence in downtown Clearwater. Some of their stories make our worst ones pale in comparison. But interestingly, they also have a bond and comraderie that they they cherish and celebrate.
That is the part of our experience that I am trying to capture here. I, for one, believe it can be done while not allowing the site to become either:
1.) a puplit for those who want to sing praises of denial about our experiences while reprimanding us for not "staying the Way Corps course"...or
2.) Another "gripe site" for those who want to expose the dark side and all its sordid details and name the names of those whom they think are responsible.
I desire neither of those extremes here.
You have every right to feel the way you do. I am not here to deny some of the valid points you made in your post and I apologize if I came off too harsh in my reply. I hate to read of your bitternesses and regrets. I am sorry you had such bad experiences and bad doctrinal error. I encourage you to continue to talk about it and work your way through it with others who were similary affected. It helps to do so. But I prefer that you not do so on this site.
I am not perfect in my management. I am well aware of that fact. But it sure is fun trying. (An awesome side benefit is getting to meet wonderful people such as yourself.)
As for the Nashville Way Corps Reunion...well so far it conisists of my old friend and Nashville resident David Bailey and me. And we both like to drink a lot of beer and party. If others decide they want to join us I can gaurantee you a good time, a lot of laughs and probably a good dose of nostalgia along the way.
Emil - are you responding to John or to my post? If to John, then read on!
John - I guess the intention of the CREATOR don't always live in the creation! Once the door is opened you will get whatever folks feel they want to say. And the road to healing is never the same for any two people.
We could spend much time comparing wounds and experiences. Each one will be different and the depth of the hurt or pain and the respective healing or scaring is different with the individual no more or no less valid another.
My nostalgia comment was prompted by the banner advertising a Way Corps reunion. That implies to me a celebration. Just look at the splinters of the bombshell that rocked HQ circa 1987. Too many people think they have the corner on the truth. I don't buy that (anymore).
The main purpose of my blog (which seems to have struck some and not others, so perhaps its all in the lens we have for perspective) is that life and spiritual matters are not about thinking the right thing or believing the right thing. To think that we can compact God into a book and that this book is the totality of the spiritual experience and then squeeze it with convoluted logic to make it fit and be perfect is hubris to the extreme. We can no more understand or contain God than we can make ourselves grow an inch. (Seems to me I remember Jesus being quoted similarly.)
I am more concerned with trying to live a life that exemplifies my pitifully inadequate understanding of Jesus' ministry. And yes, that understanding does come from the Bible. So yes it is a holy and spiritual book to me. But I cannot accept it as the full extent of God's communication to his creation. I believe it is all true. I do not believe it is all fact. And I cannot accept that any person or group of persons will ever fully comprehend, understand, or be able to interpret the Bible in way that fully exposes our God and all His fullness.
While I take the good that I can from my 16+ years on Way life, and the best is my wonderful wife, I have to actively reject those teachings that clog my ability to be loved by God and love others as Jesus would have me to love them. For me, and perhaps this is my fractured lens of perception, The Way taught me to believe myself and others, especially our leaders, as superior to others and that serving in love stopped when someone stopped or rejected what I and my leaders taught to be the truth.
We stopped seeking. We thought we had arrived. We acted in arrogance and pride. It was and is ugly. It is not beautiful. Some of our teachings were great. Many were not. And still are not. Because they suppress questioning which to me is the seed of faith and the root of spirituality. Wierwille started his quest with questions. Just because he was satisfied with his answers doesn't mean we should be.
He and we got way off track from where we started. It still kills me to have spent many years at HQ and seen a man who I believe started from a heart of wanting to know his God and serve his God and genuinely loved others to become a broken man with body guards supplying him with Drambue to ease his physical and I believe mental and spiritual pain.
I refuse to become that bitter broken man. Perhaps the most valuable lesson VPW ever taught me was what happens when you stop asking the questions and think you have all the answers.
"I am very thankful for many things I learned and some of the people I met and still know and love, especially my wife!"
Well, yeah. That basically summarizes the my goal for this site. Isn't that the way life in general should be? To focus on the positive aspects while learning from and trying to avoid future mistakes? I know of people in religions, businesses, cults, even PTA groups who have had some serious pains similar to your descriptions above. Worse....far worse. I think it is good to take the loss and move on best we can.
You make it sound as if this site is a celebration of the nostalgia of TWI and the Way Corps while being in denial from all else that occurred as part of our experience. I can understand how you may interpret things that way. But trust me...that is not the case.
For one thing, I, the site CREATOR (ahh it feels good to freely use that word again) know more about the "dark side" of TWI and the Way Corps than most. I gaurantee you that. There is not much that I do NOT know about the dark side. I am NOT in denial. I have had years of discussions about it on other sites before I started this one. I was involved for 25 years. My wife was involved since she was 16. My spiritual wounds got healed and I was able to remove the bandages. It takes time. Scars may remain.
Ok so then what? Continue to analyze, disect, rehash, gossip, critize and vent about things that happened decades ago? Nah.....not me. My conclusions to the whole matter led me to realize that there was much to celebrate about our experiences. And a whole lot I want to forget. On this site I decided to leave it to those other sites to discuss the darker sides of our experiences. They are good at it. I belive that there is a place for those sites and that they can help some people who may need to vent and make sense of their hurt. They helped me through some issues. But why should I try to do their job here?
As for this corner of the Internet I decided long ago to leave the dark side out and allow a voice here for the positive aspects of our Way Corps experiences.
One desperate article I read tried to describe some of our TWI experiences as a "delusional nostalgia." I just chuckled. Oh my how people try to intellectualize the simple! Maybe the author has caused her own delusion.
The facts is, some of us had a lot of fun and laughter, had incredible life experiences, learned valuable principles that work in life and developed awesome deep friendships during our Way Corps involvement in spite of other things that happened. That is indisputable. This site attempts to celebrate that real nostalgia.
Therefore I will quote your excellent statement once again for I, too, met my wonderful wife while in the Way Corps.
"I am very thankful for many things I learned and some of the people I met and still know and love, especially my wife!"
HI Peter,
Alana and I send our love and big hugs and kisses too. I hope, if you are back in the New England area, you'll come by and see us. Home email wassung@sbcglobal.net
Bobby
Kevin - Great to hear from you! And my best to Shannon. I really appreciate your encouragement. And truly I am not bitter. I was for a long time, but that did no good at all. I just haven't forgiven myself for being a coward. But I'll get beyond it one day!
Well, Pedro, I still love the Word Of God that I learned from that bunch. I enjoyed the challenges in The Corps, and the discipline that I learned. I grew up as a rudderless youth, and when I finally learned to use the rudder God gave us all, it has helped me immensely. The daily routine in The Corps, and also the changes in the routine, whatever those changes were, were very good for me: Improvise! Adapt! And overcome! All very good for this listless kid of 22 years old. "Make it to Tinney ON TIME or turn right around and get yer ass back home!" Yeah! That's a cool challenge fore shore, and I don't regret it one bit. In fact, I loved it. I needed it. Changed my Life for the better.
And shee-ittt, we have been through no pressure at all when it comes to the real Corps, that is the United States Marine Corps. "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it!" Hah!
Yeah, Pedro, there were some serious assholes amongst us, and I wish I had been bold enough to confront them all. I did to some of them, and it was an awesome feeling to say; "Hey, Fuck you. You don't treat me or any other of God's Heritage that way". But many times I chickened out. I understand that....
But dude! "To Whom It Is Written"? Awesome doctrine! And "punctuation being void of authority", which without it gave credence to the "dead are alive myth", but with it exposing the slyness of the devil (I will not capitalize devil or satan because I hate him with a perfect hatred) and his spirits who impersonate the dead, well whoa! What excellent knowledge to have and keep in mind! Yeah man, there were many human flaws in The Way, no doubt about it. "Nothing new under the sun" fore shore but, the knowledge we gained from the Scriptures was/is phenomenal.
And Peter, you said "I am sad that I hurt so many in the process of trying to justify my own beliefs". Well, you were always kind and loving to da max! And my wife, Shannon Walls of the 7th Corps and who did a year in Rhode Island says the same of you. You never hurt a soul, Brother, not a soul. You always endeavored to SERVE, and that is the word I have always thought of when it came to you one who desired to SERVE...
Don't fergit that my man!
Glad you are not bitter though! :-)
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