The Spiritual "Cold Shoulder"

[John Richeson]

Most of us have experienced it to one degree or another. It could be from a buddy, an old friend or a family member. You talk to them on the phone or see them in the grocery store or chat with them online. The response is cold and short. "See you at the gathering", "Where do you go to church now?", "Who do you fellowship with?", "What are you doing with the Word?", "I don't read anything on the Internet", "Where is THAT in the Word!?" are some of the signs of a freeze coming on fast. It hurts. Especially when coming from a friend or family member. You feel rejected. What have you done to desereve this treatment? In the pre-Internet era it was harder. I respect some of you who went through this back then. Some found themselves suddenly alone and isolated. They lost all contact with their friends, their lifestyle, their fellowship and in extreme cases their spouse or children. It was tough. It was hard to live through. Most learned a lot about themselves and ultimately became stronger and better as a result. Others took years to cope. Some still do. It hurt. Religion can be cruel when misused. This behavior is nothing new. It has been going on for thousands of years look no further than our own home grown religions in America for for examples. Still, it hurts when you are the recipient of the spiritual cold shoulder. What would Jesus do? I am not sure but I have a feeling he would hug you and welcome you to sit down with him for a while. He would show special interest in you and your family. He would say "See you later, bro!" "Facebook me, man," And when you walked away you would feel warm. You would in fact see him later. He and you would both make sure of it. Isn't that the way we want to treat our brothers and sisters and our fellow man? It's about forgiveness, understanding and letting go. It's about humanity. Enjoy one of my favorite skits which puts this kind of behavior in comedy perspective. The next time someone gives you the spiritual cold shoulder just close your eyes and think of Dana Carvey and laugh.

[Billy Williams]

I havent posted often enough I guess; i was thinking this thing had a quote feature...

anyway, LewEllyn said

"when someone left or was dismissed from TWI, we were not to have any further contact with them. "

That takes care of two of the three ways I know of to exit. Was the response the same to those of us who were "pulled" or "yanked" out (deprogrammed) and hadnt come back?

As far as from those who also were out, I have had support from both some of the strongest critics and supporters of TWI lift and doctrine.

[LewEllyn Hallett]

Yes, Karen, I see this in re-reading your comment, and thanks for the insight on elitism. There certainly was plenty of that!

[Karen (Hemmalin) McGrath]

John, yes, a difference between cruelty and just not being together through the years. Didn't know you are outlawed on THAT site... LOL! No biggee.

LewEllyn, I understood you, I was offering the God point for others on the thread. I'm not gonna try to change your mind, you can believe what you want. :) I appreciate your transparency!

One other thing I thought of before this crashes and burns... one of the things we are noting here is elitism. Elitism is categorized under manipulation and control (aka in some circles as witchcraft) and surprisingly enough, racism. So wherever you find elitism, you will find the others. Unfortunately, whatever the leaders do, the flock usually follows and there was a lot of elitism. So sad, but now it's disappearing, at least I think it is on this site for the most part. Good work, John!

[John Richeson]

That's what I am talking about LewEllyn. This site seems to have helped bridge some of that lost time. It's been fun to sort of pick up in kindness and set aside our differences. Even for people like you are possessed and hell bound. (Just kidding....not funny to some maybe. Sorrry about that lame humor. No offense intended).

I'll share another interesting side to this topic that I have experienced and then I'll let this thread die its inevitable death.

This coldness can go both ways.

We stayed in TWI after most left. We never practiced the cold shoulder or mark and avoid. We just didn't. We couldn't do it and I was not raised to be that way. So we quietly stayed in touch with friends anyway while remaining in the ministry. Interestingly on a few occasions WE were the victims of the shunning BECAUSE of the fact that we stayed in as twig coordinators. Yes, some who left treated us like dirt because we did not follow and leave the group.

Another example- lately I have been the brunt of vicious personal attacks from people I do not even know on a "site" (think hard and you will know which one) we participated in for years. The reason for the attacks? Because I started this little Way corps site. Did you know I am now considered a cult leader by some? The words "fair game" have been used against me (which is a Scientology mark and avoid term) and "confront him with the evil truth." They're goin all "Scientology" on me over there. Some are even furiuous.

Ha, ha, it is actually comical but serious. I had to ask the moderators twice over there to remove my name from the attacks out of actual safety concerns. (It only takes one nutcase.)

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Heck all I wanted to do is start a little site, invite a few buddies and have some fun. Next thing you know I am a cult leader who QUOTE "we should shove his green nametag up his axx".

Oh, and by the way, I am having GREAT fun both here and on FaceBook. I hope a few others are too.

[LewEllyn Hallett]

Thanks, Karen, and my thoughts are indeed here where so many old friends and memories are rekindled. However, I actually can rule out God. That was my point, I guess. I've observed that it's difficult for current Christians to accept that Bible verses and references to God are not going to encourage or convince someone who no longer believes the Bible is the Word of God. Or even that God exists. That's okay -- you can talk to me about God, but I did just tell you that I'm agnostic (didn't I?) so don't expect me to concur. I usually am not so direct with old friends--they just eventually sense my disinterest.

John, I do understand the difference between the cold shoulder that you're speaking of and what I described. And I agree it's getting better. I myself displayed a good share of chilly shoulders over the years -- when someone left or was dismissed from TWI, we were not to have any further contact with them. So I closed the door on close, close friends and did not speak to some for over ten years until we reconnected here and elsewhere. Thank you for this site and the opportunities it provides!

[John Richeson]

I like your perspective Lewellyn. I think you are right in that some of this is a natural progression of life. Distance and time separates us and the fires grow cold. I get that. Like old high school or college buddies.
But I am not talking about that nor am I mistaking that for the religious based, mean-spirited kind. It's easy to tell the difference.

That being said, I do believe this kind of behavior has dropped off a lot over the last 10 years. It's not as prevalent. I am talking in the context of my experiences in TWI and The Way Corps. This poison became rampant and some of us may have even participated in it, full "Church Lady" style. Thankfully it has died down a lot. I find it still exists mostly with older generations set in their ways, not the younger ones who are more open minded and tolerant. Some people will never change and it is fruitless to try to make them be kind. So they become grumpy old stubborn farts.

I guess there are lots of categories of people like that in this life, It's nothing new really.

[Karen (Hemmalin) McGrath]

I understand that LewEllyn. We do tend to rally where our thoughts are, otherwise you wouldn't be there. Like I would not go to automotive school! LOL! But I am still thankful for those who do.

Then too, you can't rule out God. I have seen some wide open doors shut real fast when I asked Him what He wanted and seen some nailed ones fly open in a heartbeat.

[LewEllyn Hallett]

This thread's been around for awhile but I just found it so a little late with a comment. (BTW, loved the Church Lady skit!) Just thought I'd add one aspect of my recent experience. I haven't so much gotten the cold shoulder -- it's been great to connect with old friends from the ministry and I've gotten warm repsonses whether in or out. But then I find many of these old friends don't know quite what to do with me once it becomes evident, even though I don't usually express this directly, that I'm not interested in attending meetings or fellowship any more, talking about the Bible or even being a Christian. It's not hard to understand that when people are committed to their beliefs, they like to hang out with others who share them. No one has been cold to me, on the contrary. It's just that communication gradually falls off, or becomes brief and surface. This is natural, but it makes me a little sad that it's not been easy to rekindle or maintain some of these friendships without a shared belief system. I want to say, but I'm still me! Maybe a lot more me than I was before. When I think about it, though, the same thing happens with old school friends. You reconnect then discover you either still have something in common, or you don't and the connection fades again into memory. As it should, perhaps. With good will.

[Karen (Hemmalin) McGrath]

[John and Janet Ruiz]

Cliff hit the nail on the head with that song, Cindy. Others have said it other ways but never better.

Well, John I've thought quite a bit about what the "Way Corps" site offers to people. What you've done and I'm sure you're aware of it, is establish an alternate way of evaluating who and what that group is, not excluding anyone because they don't fit or fit the right way, but including anyone who feels they do fit, based on their own heart's understanding and committments.

In my world it's called "level setting" and "scaling" - computer science defines it one way, but the business definition of level set is an easy read - to form a baseline of understanding that's mutually accepted. Scaling is simply measuring, using a mutually accepted standard of metrics. With those two things I can form how big something is and how to view and understand it, within a group.

Through this "social networking" functionality a group can establish it's own sizing and measuring standards through an open dialogue that begins with - acceptance. What a novel concept, y'know? Everyone is equal in the group, comes in equal and finds their own level of participation from that point. All start and remain however based on a common measurement. No one's DFAC, "On probation", Interim, alumnae, rank rookie or elder sage - not really. It's a peer group relationship where a member is a member is a member. After that, it's left to the individual.

In many ways it's the most revolutionary thing to occur within the context of the "Way Corps" since it's inception and may represent in many ways the best of it's potential. The diversity is mind boggling. It actually offers a different view into what the Way Corp is, rather than what it should be in someone else's eyes. If someone only steps back and reads the membership pages, a lot reveals itself.